Till The Grave
by hannahncakes
Summary: In the final moments after Buffy leaves in Chosen Spike reflects on his relationship with the slayer and the moments no one else knows. One-shot.   Not sure of the rating system but I put it high because of a few swear words


_Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters in this story. If I did Buffy would never have ended & I would have them dancing for me in a cage all night. Also, the lyrics at the beginning belong to Dashboard Confessional (the song is called thick as thieves) & not me but you should check out the song it's pretty nice. _

_Also if you read & review I would be eternally grateful! Enjoy..._

**I'll keep your secrets  
Till the grave has swallowed me  
And I will never tell a tortured soul  
That are burning by my side  
That I am a sinner, I am a saviour, I am alive**

So keep your mouth shut  
Keep your guard up  
I swear I'll make it right__

It doesn't really burn but it kind of stings as my soul explodes from within. I stand here making this grand statement- ridding the world of evil, seeking redemption from my multiple sins and basically dying slowly in a blaze of 'effin glory but all I can think of is you. As it's my last few moments I'll be honest here. I couldn't give a sod about saving the world if you weren't in it- even Manchester United could go to hell if I'd never seen your face. I'm sure at moments like this your life is supposed to flash before your eyes like a badly edited montage in a dodgy rom-com but thankfully the only images that filter through my blazing eyes are ones of you. If I had to name this little sequence it would probably gain some pretentious title such as- Buffy: the girl behind the slayer, or else, the secret life of Miss Summers. Thankfully no such title is needed and I know that these moment are simply the ones you shared with me and know one else. The things no one else knows about you. I always knew I would take your secrets to the grave.

We're lying on the bed together; your arms are wrapped around me as you slip in and out of your dreaming state. There is a spot just behind your ear that I kiss and it sends shivers down your body and as you arch towards me I know I'm the only man to ever find this spot on you. The only man to know your body back to front and inside out. It makes me proud and then a split second later I'm cursing those other bastards for not having bothered to find out every single thing they could. If I'd ever had the opportunity, if you ever loved me, I would have moved heaven and earth to know everything I could about you.

One night I heard you screaming. I think I jolted myself awake before you had even opened your mouth because I sense something was wrong. I swear I have this bizarre connection I can't even explain... But anyway I raced up to your room and there you were tossing and turning with beads of sweat running down your brow. I won't lie to you Pet, damn near broke my unbeating heart that did. There wasn't a thing I could do to help you and I felt like the worst kind of useless. I just watched you mutter in your sleep for what felt like hours. I brushed the hair out of your eyes and cursed whatever power meant that you had to save the world even in your soddin sleep. It was nearly dawn before you awoke and you looked at me with such confusion I was worried you were going to stake me on instinct but you just smiled and squeezed my hand tightly before you walked out of the room. I swear I would wait the rest of eternity just to get another one of those smiles.

The first night you got undressed in front of me I noticed. Not the first time we were naked together you understand-with all that frantic tearing, ripping and lusting you can hardly blame a guy for not being on his most observant behaviour. But I remember the first time you took your clothes off in my presence and the way your hands linked unconsciously in front of your stomach. I couldn't help but smile at your adorable insecurities. Body to die for (literally, I would) and you're worried about your non existent stomach? That's women for you. I remember kissing every inch of that stomach until you giggled and unclenched your hands and entwined them in my hair.

I remember so much and I'm so grateful. I remember every part of you my darling. I remember that you thought my knock knock jokes were the funniest thing. I remember the way you wrinkled your nose after doing a shot of vodka. I remember the way you always licked your lips before you kissed me. I remember that you are ticklish behind your knees. I remember the freckles you have on your back. I remember the way you giggled every time I blew the hair out of your eyes.

It's a passing moment. It's something that's gone forever now. Secrets & lies my darling. I'm not afraid- I hope you know that. One hundred plus years and all I remember is you. Not the fighting, not the fucking, not even the saving the world- all I can remember are the moments that wouldn't matter to anyone else. The moments when it stopped mattering that we were vampire and slayer, or that we were even Spike and Buffy, and could just be two people wanting nothing more than that second in time.

It's a strange mixture I feel as I'm leaving this world. I feel like the luckiest man to have ever set foot on this god forsaken planet for being able to know you, share my life with you and-most importantly- love you. Then on the other hand I feel like the world's biggest wanker for leaving you with men who will never love you like they should. They will never appreciate how beautiful you are when you sleep and it kills me. All I can promise is if one atom of me survives this explosion it will come back and hold you every night of your life. But more than that, more than anything,... I hope you're happy. Goodbye Buffy.


End file.
